So it was 10:00 and Dan had been up for 20 minutes, after getting up at 6am and smuggling the girls downstairs quietly so at least one of us could get some sleep, doing the dishes he told me to leave last night – ‘leave them, I’ll do them’ like a ninja to keep the noise to a minimum – hanging out the two loads of washing I’d put on this morning, waiting for him to get up so we could have breakfast so that 1. I wouldn’t disturb him with the noise and 2.so we could eat together – he trotted downstairs to announce ‘I’m off out for a run now’Call me crazy but that annoyed me, then I was the arsehole for being pissed off! What even is that!
He then came in from his run and treated himself to a 20 minute shower then came downstairs saying ‘right, shall we go out now’
Yeah cos the public need to see me sporting the unshowered-no makeup-un brushed hair/teeth look and we were still in jammies 😳🔫
He started cooking sausages for his breakfast (I’d slammed down an omelette earlier standing in the kitchen while the girls shouted at me) so I decided that was a great time for a shower and felt much better after putting on my makeup and blow drying my hair 👍🏻
So after a really shitty morning, we decided to go out for a picnic as the sun is beating down, it’s beautiful outside.
Sorting the girls out was like mobilising an army. We made it out of the house by 12:30 -ridiculous – drove the 40 minutes to our local inland beach and parked up. Started slathering on sun cream and looking out for a decent picnic spot.
All was looking good until Nina fell over and scraped her knee, the world ended, she screamed for an hour, Dan put a make shift plaster on her knee, used ‘magic wipes’ cuddled, reasoned with and failed to calm her down.
I had a go with the same results.
By this stage Robyn was losing her shit completely (she’s cluster fed all morning and was starving of course)
I turned into that shouty lunatic mum in the car park ‘GET IN THE BLOODY CAR NOW! WE’RE GOING HOME – *screeches* ENOUGH!!!’
People were staring, it was awful. I went and paid the parking meter – it cost £1.50 to be tortured by our daughters in the sun shine for an hour.
We started the drive home with the two of them screaming in the back of the car.
Dan developed a huge vein in his forehead and a nervous twitch as the rage built.
I was developing rage because of his rage.
FUCK YOU’s and FUCK OFF’s were exchanged.
Then to top it off we heard an exaggerated, heaving ‘Nina needs a weeeeee weeeee’ from the back of the car so found a place to stop so Dan could get the potty out for her and I could throw a boob at Robyn.
All previous efforts to give Nina any ‘magic biscuits’ or ‘healing crisps’ had failed until Dan at this point offered for the tenth time a bag of quavers. She took them. She was quiet.
We got back in the car and had a nice serene drive home.
We apologised for yelling at each other and expressed our regrets about certain life choices we had made.
I’ve got dinner on and all is quiet. Robyn is on the boob again and I’ve thrown Nina the iPad.
Well done for reading this far 😂👍🏻